Grace On Paper

March 13, 2005

Dear Diary,

I played baseball with the Cullens and these nomad vampires showed up. At first everyone was cool but then the douchebag with the ponytail smelled me and everyone freaked out. Edward was like, “We have to get you out of town!” and I was like “Why? That’s stupid. There’s only 3 of them! Let’s just go to your house. You and Alice will see them coming, then your family can rip their heads off.” And Edward’s dad was like, “That’s actually not a bad idea.”

So we did. The douchebag with the ponytail showed up first. Edward, Emmett and Jasper tore his ass up pretty easily. I loved watching my man kick some ass, btw. Then the redheaded bitch and the Rasta dude showed up. Alice and Rosalie and the redhead had a vampire catfight and ding-dong the bitch is dead. Carlisle and Esme didn’t even need to fight. Laurent the Rasta dude was like “OK, I’m sorry. I didn’t even like those two, I just wanted someone to hang out with,” so the Cullens forgave him. He’s in the living room with Emmett playing Xbox and they’re totally bros now.

So I’m sitting here by the bonfire of dead vampires roasting marshmallows & writing while Edward is shaking and sort of sobbing without tears. He keeps going on and on about how horrible he is for ‘destroying another sentient being’. And I’m like “Who gives a fuck, they were assholes.” Edward is kind of mad at me. All in all it was an interesting day.